In the last year and a half I’ve battled extreme anxiety. For many of those days, the battle was intense and I retreated. A few times I gave in and surrendered completely to it. By the Grace of God, I endured.

I fought Anxiety. I fought Worry. I blamed them for stealing life from me. But now that I’ve “won the battle,” I realize that I’m still in a war.

I’m at war with Loss.

I may have won the battle with anxiety but it was only a distraction from the loss that I didn’t know how to deal with. I’m right back where I started.

It’s a little different this time. My knees aren’t buckling. My heart is stronger. And my mind is resolved. But the things that were taken from me…it’s time to let go of them.

If I list them here, will they sound silly? The words don’t weigh enough.
~ I lost the confidence of my eternal youth.
~ I lost someone close to me.
~ I lost a friendship.

Big deal, right? Well, yeah. All three of them were things I hadn’t counted on losing. And they are things I can never recover. They are gone.

But I’m still here.

As I shared yesterday, I’m learning to deal with loss. Initially, I thought I could avoid it. When I couldn’t avoid it, I tried to deny it. But when I couldn’t deny it anymore, I felt like a failure. How could I just roll over and let things that I cherished, be taken away from me? Well, I didn’t have a choice. And if I didn’t have a choice about those losses, what could be taken from me next?

Does this sound familiar to you?

I was afraid. Afraid of what I would have to face losing next. So my mind was a skipping record to the only loss I knew to be inevitable; death. And it taunted me.

“I might be coming to your door today. Are you ready for me?”

“That pain you just felt? It’s probably an early symptom.”

“Wonder what will happen to your kids when you abandon them for me?”

These are the triggers that kicked anxiety into overdrive. But after about 400 days, of the same questions being repeated over and over again, I asked my own question: If death didn’t take me yesterday, and I’m still here today, could I try worrying about death tomorrow and just live for now?

Aaaand, after about 100 days of delayed worrying, I had to ask one more question… What was I worried about?

While in the midst of anxiety and worry, I held a few things tightly. I knew I had the support of my family. I knew that God had not abandoned me. And, if you put a camera in my hand, I showed signs of life. Anything beyond those three things had the potential to be too much pressure. And you know what? It’s one of the few times in life that I didn’t judge myself.

I had to take care of myself. I needed the time for my mind to settle back into a routine. I needed to get to a place where I felt safe again. So, I avoided certain situations for a while. Meal times and eating out were the worst. Whenever possible, I ate at home. I practically lived on whole wheat toast and hot tea – those were the foods that made me feel safe.

There was a delicate balancing act between protecting myself and isolating myself. I didn’t want to fall into a pattern of the latter, so I frequently challenged myself by saying “yes” to things as well. I felt the need to test my own limits.*

This was not some masochistic social experiment. It was a sewing time. A time to invest in myself. And it was absolutely necessary for my well-being. I backed away from as much social interaction as I could until I began to recognize myself again. And even then, I took the time I needed to just be there for a while.

Only recently, did I begin to feel the nudge to enter in again; to get back into gear and become fully alive. And it’s time.

* It’s important for me to note here, that I tested my limits when I felt that I should. As much as my husband worried about me, and may have wanted things to just go back to normal, the decisions had to be my own in order for me to regain a sense of well-being. For anyone reading this and wishing someone they love would just “snap out of it,” please be gracious and prayerful.

While the last couple of posts dealt with loss under extreme duress, today and tomorrow, I’d like to talk about the losses that everyone can relate to. There are two ways to experience loss in the everyday:
1.) Hold something too tightly
2.) Let go

When you hold onto something too tightly, you will lose ownership over it; it will begin to own you. Nursing mothers will understand the concept. There is a point in time where your baby gives you signals that they no longer need to nurse so frequently – they’re ready for some variety. But what if mommy holds on too tightly? She’s not ready to give up the special time with baby so she encourages her child to continue to nurse on schedule. Fast forward a few months and Mommy has a change of heart. She’s ready to let go now but Baby has other ideas. Baby has decided he won’t be let go so easily anymore.

It wasn’t really the baby that Mommy was holding onto so tightly. It was the feeling of being needed. It was the feeling of being irreplaceable. But now Baby realizes that Mommy needs him more than he needs her. Baby has inherited her authority by default. And here’s where the loss comes in; Mommy is missing out on sharing the excitement of Baby’s next stage in life because she’s stuck in the extended transition of the last one. This is a loss of what could have been.

When Mommy began nursing, she knew it was just for a season – this arrangement CAN NOT last forever. When you begin a new season in life, go into it knowing that it will not last forever in it’s current state. Mommy’s relationship with Baby will not end completely but it will change as the seasons change. Your marriage may last a lifetime but it will not look the same from decade to decade. No business can thrive without adapting to the demands of the market. No friendship can survive if it cannot adjust to external life changes. Which brings us to point number 2! But I’m running out of space here – tune in tomorrow :)

The relationship didn't change with the seasons and now the connection is rusted shut without any sign of life.

Yesterday I proposed that the losingest loser holds on too tightly to things in life. Today I suggest that the winningest loser know how to let go! Even as you hold on to something you treasure, hold it loosely. Know that the next season in your life will not likely include the thing you treasure most about this season. Fall doesn’t include brightly colored Spring flowers and Spring’s green leaves cannot compare to the reds and oranges of Fall. Allow the seasons to take their course and Spring will come back around again. The only difference is that you will have the experience of three other seasons to carry with you. Be willing to let go, so that you can fully grab hold of tomorrow.

I’ve held the “Mom” label for almost thirteen years now. But through each season, the label “Mom” has adjusted to the role. My 12 year old son does not need me in the same way he needed me 12 years ago. And I do not ask him to need me that much anymore. I’m holding him loosely. I’m allowing him to take more responsibility for himself, which by default, (and for the millionth time) changes the ways that I’m responsible for him. And I’m more able to share in his excitement over becoming a teenager. Yay?!?

Since it’s been a slightly heavy week here on the blog (and I can’t find an appropriate picture for today), I thought I’d share a recent favorite photo of my middle daughter. It’s carefree and easy-going. Nothing missing, nothing lost. Well, I guess it does kind of relate then :)